Alaskan Bush People S13 E11 'All For One'
This episode is the last of the season. We have witnessed a fire, the death of a dog and the show's main character. While little was accomplished on the North Star Ranch, we were led to believe a myriad of storylines that basically led nowhere. Bear reunited with his girlfriend Raiven and his son, Noah bought a horse, Bam seemed to be neither here nor there most of the time, Gabe started to wear makeup in his talking head moments, Bird pined for the good ole days in Alaska and even traveled there to kill a deer, Rain somehow managed on her own to gather a mining outfit, and Ami finally seemed to have found her voice.
Let's proceed to another 'one of a kind' airing of the Alaskan Bush People, even though they don't live in Alaska, don't film in Alaska, and are not even bush people. They apparently live near Loomis, Washington, in rented houses and trailers, have access to the internet and try and convince us that what they are doing on this show is somehow real. Once again, get a drink handy, some popcorn nearby, shoo the youngins into another room and settle in for the complete BS that this show has to offer. Take it away Asa !
The beginning of tonights episode begins with Scottish (?) themed music playing in the background as we see the Brown kids skittering around doing mundane tasks like chopping wood and Gabe moving a felled tree around. An uncertainty seems to have hit the Wolfpack now that the paternal figure of Billy Brown has been laid to rest. An unsettling melancholy has settled in, a freezing awareness that something is missing and cannot be replaced.
Finally the Browns gather in front of the house that refuses to get built to discuss the forty day celebration of Billy. After searching for a mention of this celebration, I found a reference that appears to note that it is a tradition that is celebrated, mainly in Eastern Orthodox religion, but also in other forms elsewhere. It seems to be based on the forty days Jesus was on earth till his ascension into heaven. To hammer it home what the show is about tonight, we hear about the forty day celebration at least forty times from the cast of the show and Asa, the 10th Brown.
What is finally agreed upon is the completion of the house, the menagerie of livestock to be moved back up to the ranch, and a final send off in style to Billy Brown. Bird reminisces with a story about Brutus the Longhorn steer and Billy, and how Billy showed Brutus what was what while the others stood around worried about what to do. Gabe says something about riding Brutus, so that gives us something to look forward to. They will have Ami come up to the ranch and the group will fix a meal, fit for a Brown, served on the day of the celebration.
Bam and Gabe decide to go fishing in a 'borrowed' jonboat to catch some fish for the 40 day celebration. Gabe starts rambling on about some nonsense while Bam just sits there and stews. You can just tell Bam would rather be anywhere else as he tells Gabe to basically shut up and sit down and just fish for awhile. The camera crew is about 20 feet away on a party barge living the high life while filming, while Bam is forced to sit with pole in hand, forced to wear a North Star Ranch baseball cap. You know, I almost felt sorry for him. Finally one of the production crew members grabs a fish they bought in town and puts it on Gabes hook to pretend he actually caught a fish, and the miserable scene ends and the jonboat is put back where they got it before the owner notices it is missing. Bam must then face the camera and tell the world that Gabe is a good guy, has a lot of goofy humor and isn't so bad to be around.
The rented animals are finally ready to return to the ranch. I assume they have been in town being properly cared for by professional animal handlers, and completely checked out before being handed over to the Browns. The animal handlers cry and pray as the last loved ones are carted away to a special hell on the Brown's ranch. Noah is in charge as he loads some chickens and goats and hauls them up the mountain road. Bird is standing by at the animal pen waiting to say hello to her old friends. The windowless trailer doors are opened and the goats are ushered into the pen. When they realize that they are back at the North Star Ranch their hearts sink, and the plans for a massive escape start materializing in their heads.
We are reminded that 40 day is approaching fast and Bear, and for some reason, Rhain w/h, are in charge of making Da's famous hot sauce. Rather than use a stove in a kitchen with a sink and oven and microwave and everything else, they start a fire and have a single cast iron pan to make the mixture. Bear starts slicing up hot peppers and then rubs the oils from the peppers all over his face. He soon realizes that his face is on fire and moves over to a small pile of snow the production crew had shipped in to bury his head in and cool off. Rhain w/h continues to heat up what looks like onions and peppers. Looks very yummy.... NOT !
Only two more days till the big celebration begins, so after many many months of not even one nail being pounded in the house, it is time to paint the interior. Noah joins Rain and Bird to start the project. Noah shows that he knows not a lick about anything when he asks why they must paint the white walls white again. Bird chicksplains to Noah that the white on the walls is just primer, and a coat of semi-gloss white paint is going on now. He opens the can of paint and pours it into the paint pan and gets his roller ready, at least he got that right. After about 30 seconds of rolling some paint on the walls, Bird puts a spot of paint on Noahs big head and he retaliates by using the roller to cover Bird's childlike noggin in paint. They end up on the floor smearing paint all over each other while Rain joins in with her roller and paints on Bird too. Bird then gets on a close up camera shot to tell us something, but we don't listen as we look on in amazement at all the paint on her face and hair and wonder WTF is wrong with these people. I imagine the production crew finished the job as these loons are incapable of doing anything right.
What's almost here ? If you said 40 day celebration, you win the prize ! Time to make Billy's favorite pies. Ami and Rain gather outside again to make some delicious chocolate pies that Billy used to eat when he was still watching everyone do his bidding. Ami whimpers on about a couple of things, she doesn't really want to make the pies because of the flood of memories it brings back of Billy. And the sorrow and shame she lives with since she had promised to make some pies for Billy a couple of days before he went and hit the skids, but didn't because she was binge watching 'Game of Thrones' for the third time... Shame ! Shame ! Shame ! Rain is nearby helping measure out the ingredients for the pies, but stops long enough to console Ami, telling her to carry on and not be so pitifully morose. Ami snaps out of it long enough for a brave half smile and the two silently mix up the pies into some pans, cheerfully licking the chocolate from the whisks.
The horses now must be brought up to the ranch and the story here is how much Billy loved his horses and always dreamed of having a horse ranch filled with horses and a window in his house so he could look at his horses. Noah is in charge of this animal haul also. He starts the job but then stops to tell us that although Billy loved his horses and he is bringing the horses back to the ranch, it is the beginning of a new chapter for the North Star Looney Bin Rest Home, and also the Brown kids. Bird chimes in with the same refrain of feeling very, very lost now that Da is playing the great gig in the sky. I sense some strong emotional rumblings going on between these two that may lead to a change in direction of the show.
What happens in less than 24 hours ? If you said 40 day celebration, pat yourself on the back. Once we are reminded the celebration is coming up real fast, Bear, Noah, Rain and Ami head over to the secret storage unit Billy had rented and try to figure out how to open the door to it. Once inside, they are amazed at the collection of furniture stored inside for the house on the hill at the ranch, that will never get completely finished. There is antique chairs, a sofa, even an old Victrola sitting there in the unit. It seems that the kids were vaguely aware of the 'storage unit legend' being bandied about in quiet whispers, but were too stupid to ask if it actually existed or was another one of the Discovery Channels™ stream of BS. After looking over the mostly used furniture and other stuff, they begin to load it on the trailer they handily brought along to carry the unknown furniture away. I have to ask, where did Billy get the money to buy this stuff ? Who loaded the furniture into the storage unit, it took two people to carry a lot of the stuff out. And if they are a family who claim, ad nauseam, that they always do stuff together all the time, where were the kids when Billy bought this stuff ? And where did those motorcycles come from ???
Bird has her chance to show off her cooking skills by preparing the famous Brown family bush spaghetti mess. First you need onions it seems, and with that said we get a monologue about the delicious onion and what a treat an onion is and how Bird needs two onions so she can cook with one onion and have the other onion later as a snack. Onions.... Now the last time a Brown kid made the famous family spaghetti slop, it was Gabe cooking it for Bear's wedding that got shot down when Raiven realized what a complete dolt she was about to marry. As Gabe made the meal, it was a total disaster of stuff falling out of the pan and in the end I don't even think the late, great Mr. Cupcake would even eat that crap of a meal. I'm hoping Bird can do better as she tries to perfect the recipe handed down from one of the grandparents of hers, they show a picture of the person even. As she starts the procedure of getting the fire ready, she sets an unstable wire grill on the wood to hold the pot and pan. She tells us she needs to get the flavor just right, just like the family recipe has tasted for years. Another story is started about the famous spaghetti and how Bird and Da would after a hard day of filming nonsense for a reality show, they would gobble down famous Brown family spaghetti and bond. Okay Bird, we get it, you love spaghetti, and talking about spaghetti, just cook the stuff... Now she informs us she has never cooked the famous Brown family spaghetti before, in fact at the age of 27 has never once even cooked regular spaghetti. She says it will be interesting to see what ensues. She chops up the onion, starts cooking the meat and it seems has clearly no clue as to what she is doing or what is going on in her life. It's friggin' spaghetti folks, I have made spaghetti since I was like 14 years old and never thought twice about it. Make it quick and easy or gourmet style, it ain't that hard, seriously. Once she is into the process, she starts munching on the other onion like an apple. Geez....
The furniture arrives at the house, or at least a few random pieces of furniture arrives at the house, and Ami runs inside to get her feather duster to clean the dust off of the chairs and stuff. I noticed they drove up the mountain in a black SUV vehicle and upon a closer look it is completely filthy, covered in layer upon layer of dirt and mud. Ami is now in a better mood and says she can feel Billy's presence everywhere. Billy... What a saint !
The day has arrived for the Longhorn steers to get to the ranch. I mainly wondered how in the hell they got those ten or so steers loaded and brought up there. Of course there is no explanation as Bird now regales us about Billy's total love of the Longhorn steers and how he talked about them and adored them. Is there any animal that Billy didn't like ? The steers look around to discover that they are back at North Star and begin to cry uncontrollably.
Finally the 40 day celebration gets under way and Bill Fuller gives the eulogy for Billy. Very well done and quite touching. And sitting there is Margaret Fuller ! So nice to see her again ! She doesn't have any lines, and is shown sitting there a few seconds and that is it for Margaret. Bear is asked to start a fire so they can fill a plate of Billy's favorite food and toss it into the flames from some reason. The Brown children speak about their Da and then start to eat their meals also. The spaghetti looks like noddles with maybe a thin cheese sauce on it, some special family Brown spaghetti tradition, uh huh... My kid could fix that, in about 10 minutes, while on the phone, while watching 'Gold Rush', after a couple beers... Oh
After the commercial is the 50 minute filler scene. Bam and Gabe are now with the fish, cleaning them for a meal that has already been served and cleaned up and put away. Bam naturally has to demean his brother Gabe on camera and slaps him in the face with a fish while Gabe laughs along. Two jerks and a fish...
Time to raise the North Star flag from half mast to full (?) mast and pay their final respects to Da. It hangs rather flacid as they plead for some wind to make it whip proudly in the wind. A Discovery™ minion gets out a leaf blower to make it waves a little, and then later on in the editing room adds a bit of wind noise. A salute, a wave and a group howl and the memory of good ole Billy Brown is put to rest.
6 weeks later... Ami is in the house with Noah and Rhain w/h and Eli playing a game to describe the drawing Noah is making. Ami's first guess is a flying boat, then a mosquito hat, a school bus transformed into a ridiculous fire truck when she finally guesses that Rhain w/h is pregnant with Noah's second child. The house, after 6 weeks of living there, looks incredibly barren. One old sofa, two wobbly chairs, no curtains, no pictures, no appliances, no carpet or wood flooring, just a bright white mostly empty room. It looks like they moved the few pieces of furniture in 6 weeks ago, and then just left it like that till they came back from Cancun to film this stupid scene. Noah then starts in on how things may change for him, how he may move away from the mountain and start a fresh life elsewhere with his growing family. Will he become a sheriff somewhere like he once said he would ? An expert mechanic and inventor in a profitable company ? I'm thinking entry level, minimum wage, last hired first fired sort of jobs are all he will find. Digging ditches for an irrigation company, cleaning used food oil drums at the back of a local restaurant, that sort of mind numbing, arthritic causing drek most of us had to do at one point or another. Then when he realizes no one will hire him right off the bat to be CEO of their company, he will end up back on ABP as the genius inventor and boring and annoying know it all that everyone runs from when they see him coming, to avoid listening to his aggravating voice and stupid ideas.
Some drone shots are shown with a bit of narration from Asa, we see the trash laying around, the mining equipment gathering even more rust, the once pristine Palmer Mountain now a film set for a poorly thought out reality show. Now it is Ami and Bird's last moment before the credits roll and Bird is again near tears as she relates how just being there and breathing the same air as her Da used to is relentlessly depressing, and she will will most likely leave on the first bus out of there. Her preferred destination is, of course, Alaska, her home and first love. Ami tells her to spread her wings and fly and good luck and go wherever the road calls you.
With a bit of Billy gospel the show closes it's thirteenth season and I also wrap it up till next time.
An interesting season to be sure, lot of stuff going on. Will the show make any new inroads ? What will happen with the gold mining ? Will we ever see Matt again ? Will Noah and family and Bird leave the show to make a spinoff ? I guess we all have to wait and see...
With another season in the can, I would like to thank my loyal fans and the people who read these recaps for their entertainment. You all seem like decent folks who know a good joke when you see one. Your comments are priceless and are always appreciated. Have a great holiday season everyone and I hope to be back soon....
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Written by: Reality Observer
Please leave comments below, please be respectful of others, no cussing, no sexual innuendos, no hostility toward Brown family members. Breaking those simple rules and the comment section disappears. I cannot moderate the comments unless I pay out the fees, and I am cheap, haha... Thanks, RO...
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